Preparing for the birth of a parent

Judaism, water and (re)birth

Biology tells us that we are born in water; it’s from the amniotic fluid we emerge into the world.  Judaism also tells us that we are born in water, but this time it happens again and again, individually and collectively. Each new chapter starts by us emerging into our new role through water. Our shared narrative is one by which we are birthed as a people through the parted sea.  We go from being a group of slaves in Egypt or Mitzrayim, literally the “narrow place”, through the waters of the Sea of Reeds, to our early years seeking nationhood as the Children of Israel in the wilderness.

Yet Judaism traditionally gave us many more metaphorical birthing moments in water. We are encouraged to make these transitions from one state of being to the next. The tradition of using a mikveh* recreates those images of birth or the parted seas to transform us.  From being single to married. From the grief of a period showing there is no pregnancy this month, to the hope and potential of the next cycle. The “chevra kaddisha” prepare our body for “ha’olam habah”, the “world to come”, again using the flow of water. 

Mikveh in pregnancy

The tradition of a mikveh in your final month of pregnancy is something I think is truly beautiful.  It takes the focus from the baby to the parents, to enable them to consider this momentous transition for them, giving them time to consider not just the new life being born to them but the new life they are going to experience in themselves. From putting your own needs first to putting your child first. How does one prepare for a depth of love never experienced before, a sense of responsibility never faced before, and our own happiness completely enmeshed with the happiness of a tiny new soul? There is more than a need to welcome the baby into the world, there is a need to accept/embrace/face up to the new life the parent is being born into at that very same moment.

We often see our greatest responsibility as that of keeping our children safe and well. Yet that seems to be the animalistic instinct in most of us too.  We are protective, we worry about real and perceived dangers way more than we need to.  My son is almost 14 (years not months) and I still like to pop my head around the door to check he’s breathing when he’s sleeping – neuroses is the hardwired bit.  But how do we ensure we are passing on our values to our children? What is truly important to each of us, and when or how will our children work that out?  With sleep routines, feeding choices and the bombardment of health and safety messaging, how do we make time to make the real life choices which may mean our children turn into the “mensches” we would like them to become?

Preparing for transition to parenthood with Wellspring

At Wellspring, we have created a 5-week course to think about the parents you want to be.  We won’t be pushing our agenda of what type of parent that is but helping you think about what it means to you.  We are inviting people who are due to become parents in the late summer or autumn to register their interest in the course.  There are limited places so we cannot guarantee everyone who applies will get a place on the course.  There will be a chance to ask questions of midwives from Shifrah UK and for a no holes barred conversation with a mohel. Most importantly there will be time to consider this momentous life transition and meet other people taking on the task to consciously wrestle with the concept of what does it mean to be about to become parents. You can sign up here.

*Mikveh is the Jewish ritual bath used for immersion to mark life cycle transitions such as marriage, childbirth, moving through the menstrual cycle each month, and conversion to Judaism.

Rabbi Miriam Berger is Founder Director of Wellspring (a centre of wellbeing with the ritual of mikveh at its heart) and Emerita Rabbi of Finchley Reform Synagogue.